Rated R

(sorry, couldn’t write this without some cussin’)

Tolerance of spicy foods DOES NOT define your manliness. When did THIS belief sneak into our culture?! I was watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives last night and Guy was in this little hole in the wall that specialized in really spicy hamburgers. They made this sauce that goes on all their burgers and it looked completely miserable. All these different chili peppers, mustard, radishes, some battery acid and blah blah spicy blah. Guy takes a bite of a burger they made for him and reels back in shock at the spiciness of it. The chef then gives him the “You fricken WIMP” look. Makes some off handed comment about his manliness. . .

You will find no other person who is more delighted with spicy food than yours truly. I LOVE SPICY FOOD. All types, with multiple levels of flavors. But when you prepare a dish simply for hotness sake, ONE flavor level – pain. . . count me out. It’s stupid. Those who believe tolerance of spicy foods defines your toughness: You’re idiots. You have no culinary passion nor taste. You’re most likely in-bred and most comfortable living in a trailer park. You’re a jackass. Being able to consume food that is so spicy and lacking in no other flavor that, it burns your mouth, makes you cry and sweat and groan in discomfort does not mean you’re a bad ass. It means you’re a DUMB ass.

Chili: There’s a short story that’s been circulating on the internet for about 10 years. “Confessions of a Chili Judge” or something like that. Funny story, I’m sure most of you are familiar with it. Not a true story, but certainly a very funny one. If you haven’t read it, here’s a link to it, go read it. Judge #3 is my frame of reference:

http://www.jokecrazy.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1322

So you get these morons who take the time to make a batch of chili with all sorts of good ingredients and all, and then they put it to simmer. The last thing they do is smile, all evil like, give a Snidely Whiplash laugh, and scrape in their last ingredients of what ever they use to make it spicy, peppers of all sorts, horseradish, red pepper flakes, chili powder, Tabasco,  curry, sulfuric acid and whatever. As they do so, they’re slowly nodding their heads, smiling like a villain who’s poisoning their enemy and most likely thinking “That’ll show these son-of-a-bitches who’s a bad ass and who’s not! Separate the men from the boys!”

Then they serve it up. You take a bite and react with disdain. You are now, in their eyes, a pussy.

I just don’t get it! Ranks right up there with Culinary Racism. Let’s call this Culinary Retardation.